Because you are yet to realise that you always have… More often than not, love and the relationships we have are our greatest source of happiness and sadness, strength and weakness, appreciation and pain. Love seems to be the be all, end all. The motivation, the fear, the exciting and the erratic. I am not just referring to romantic definitions of love, but the love we give and receive in general every day, and how we warp those ideals into a driving force for being understood.
For example, you love your mother more than anything but your relationship with her was toxic to begin with. She was traumatised by her poor relationship experiences with your father. She lost her identity and voice, neglected her wants and needs through conforming to her expectations of being a good wife, and accepted emotional abuse as a part of that. Being caught up in that environment affected you in more ways than you know because you witnessed her accept all this toxicity as love. In the process, you would have inhibited a confused identity, inability to express your wants and needs, pressure to always conform or react, and are receptive to emotional abuse. Why? I guarantee you that if you look at your mother’s upbringing, she would have been treated this way since she was a child. She would have watched her mother make those same sacrifices, for love. You grew up in that environment, believing that was love, and now you repeat the pattern. You subconsciously search for a connection that will emotionally destroy you, someone who is stronger than you, somebody you would be happy to lose your identity for, and you create this relationship dynamic with everyone from your family, your friends, and your romantic partners. You allow all these relationships to over power you because that is what you believe is healthy and functional.
Why is an intimidating woman, a turn on? Your mother’s intimidation tactics as a child made you feel motivated to prove yourself. Now you look for that in any connection, if you have not healed your mother wounds, to stimulate you because you believe that to be love.
Why do mother’s have to put up with abuse to protect their children, when removing themselves from the abuse is the best way to protect them all? Because they believe staying and sacrificing themselves is love.
Why does my father yell at me when I am trying my best to help? You will attract masculine energy that is condescending to your best efforts, wondering if you will ever be good enough, because that is what you believe to be love.
Can you see how easy it is to get stuck in a toxic cycle, without you even knowing? All these common behaviours and patterns, that we have all experienced to some degree, come from the narrative you were created in. What do you do now? Create your own narrative from everything you have learnt. Take a good look around you and try understand what LOVE really is. There are no attachments, no conditions and no expectations of the love, if it is real. If your mother was not your mother, could you love her? Would she even let you?
Loving is a gift, and when we cannot freely share that because we feel restricted, misinterpreted or feared, it hinders the ability to embrace the gift and share it with others. It especially hurts when love is defined as a distinct set of feelings yet experienced as a million different emotions, and nobody actually knows what it all means before they connect. So when you really feel it, your natural response is to want to destroy it, because you have never felt this rawness before without having to do something to earn it first. You do not believe you deserve it. It is confronting because it forces you to change yourself and makes you question your behaviour up until that point. However, the inability for many to simply embrace the healing is the reason for feeling like you have to dim your light (prove yourself, feel good enough, shut emotions down) leaving you feeling like you might be too much at times (just like you have always felt). This is why we often retreat, need space and take time to process what the fuck is going on, because at the core all you are really trying to do is learn how to share this energy so it comes back and loves you too.
And that is what I am here for. Let’s get unblocking.